My Relationship with Stress
I have been in leadership all of my life. Over the past 30+ years, they have been with companies including: Dillard’s, Donna Karan, Estee Lauder, Avon and Perennials and Sutherland (which is a luxury fabric and furniture company). My last leadership position, I was directly responsible for over 130 people in 20 US states and 12 countries. It was amazing and the growth I saw in my team and the company was something I am grateful for every day.
But…stress and anxiety definitely played a part in my daily life. It was much worse earlier in my career, but it has never left.
Before we jump in I want to ask you a few questions. You don’t have to answer out loud…I just want you to think about them?
How many of you are concerned that the level of stress in your lives is so great that it is affecting your health?
How many of you don’t have enough time for yourself or your family? How many of you feel frustration, fear, or even anger about your job? How many of you feel like you are being pushed to your limit?
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What if I told you…that I get that & that stress and anxiety are not going away? However, if you change your relationship with them…it will change your life for the better.
Most experts will tell you to just be more positive, get more sleep, quit working so hard, take more vacations or at least more time for yourself. Well, I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t work for me long term. It’s a quick fix.
I would actually challenge that everything you believe about stress is wrong…let’s flip the script and start believing that stress is good for you.
The research shows that you grow the most in areas when you have been pushed the most.
When life gets stressful, the most successful people hit it head on. They take the attitude of “bring it on” … or “whatever this day brings, I got this.”
To set this up…I want to use the analogy using professional athletes for a second. By the time an athlete gets into the pros, they clearly have talent, they are very good at their job. They beat out thousands of others in the college athletic program to make it to this level.
Michael Jordan is arguabley the most successful basketball player. Tom Brady maybe the most successful football player. These two have at least one thing in common and that is how they manage stressful situations.
They huddle their team and make a plan. They focus on their mindset and what they can control.
They don’t complain that they are doing all the work, that they are carrying the team, that they are tired, that they need a break, that they aren’t valued, that they quit. NO! They want to be the best for the team…not the best on the team. They huddle up and make a plan when they are winning or losing. Their attitude is say, get me the ball! We can do this.
When I was younger, I had a fear of flying. Stress, anxiety= fear. Well, here is how I conquered this. I started choosing the exit row when flying. Not because I needed more room, but because, I started believing that if the plane got into trouble other that those professionally trained to handle these situations, I was out best chance of getting out of this situation safely.
I recognized my fear or initial response was crippling me…so I changed the response. And this simple trick changed my life. I was now in control and had more confidence.
I heard a speaker when I was 30 and he helped me change my thoughts about stress and anxity Today, I am going to share with you how to do the same.
It’s about your heart, your grit and your determination. So…how do we become “mentally tough”?
Emotions run the show. Period.
When you are right emotionally- when you can perform emotionally- you can go toe.to.toe with the devil himself, stand firm, bring to life all the talent and skill with in you and make big things happen.
When you are wrong emotionally- all the talent and skill in the world won’t save you.
Think about this…the stock market is not driven nearly as much by world events as by how people respond emotionally to them.
Your company success comes not from how brilliant it is, but from how emotionally connected your clients are to it.
The word emotion is derived from a Latin word meaning “to set in motion”. Many researchers believe emotion is the connecting link between spirit and body.
That is where your input comes in. Why you cry at a sad image? Or laugh at a funny joke?
What does your mental diet consist of? I am going to show you how powerful your mental diet is. In the next 4 minutes I am going to show you how I can spark something in your brain: Video:
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Are emotionally Intelligent? We discussed this at our last meeting together. It’s two parts: You and your emotions and you and others’ emotions. Sympathy, empathy and Compassion This is the ability to handle emotions so that your response and more importantly your tone is appropriate.
I want you to answer these statements to yourself:
I am calm under pressure
I can quicky shake off negative feelings
I have learned to control my negative thinking. I am in charge of how I feel.
As I am all about action, Let’s talk about how to develop our mental toughness. First…when a stressor comes up
Never give up or surrender your spirit emotionally Do something. Take some kind of action.
Resist blaming others and exaggerating the situation
Ask yourself what is the purpose of this struggle for me? Maybe it is a weakness you have needed to address for a long time.
2. Keep things simple by having rituals. Without positive rituals, we cannot hope to succeed. Rituals signal importance in our lives. They are disciplined patterns of thinking and acting that enhance our ability to respond to the forces of life in a more meaningful way. Here are some examples: Go to bed and get up at the same time as often as possible. Exercise daily. Start a pre-sleep ritual, 30 minutes before bed. Find gratitude…I close my fists and start with my thumb counting 10 things I am grateful for today. On your way to the office, play a song that makes you want to dance and sing in the seat. When you are stuck in traffic or the subway is stalled, tell yourself “This traffic gives me more time to mentally prepare for the day ahead. I will bring the best version of myself…this traffic has nothing on me.
Plan recovery time during the day. Step outside and get some fresh air, take the stairs instead of the elevator, move your body.
Monitor/Change your self-talk when necessary
How fortunate am I? example…I got in a car wreck, and no one was hurt. Instead of going nuts, I simply remind myself how fortunate I am that no one was hurt.
When you find yourself about to lose it on someone…ask yourself: is this an appropriate response, is it likely to lead to a positive and productive outcome?
Use an affirmation when you are pushed to your limit…I got this. I will make this day work for me. I love it when it is crazy…look at all this passion.
When you make a mistake…ask yourself, what can I learn from this?
Change on word in your sentence: I have to go to work. I get to go to work. I can’t handle the pressure to perform. I can handle the pressure. I am the first one here and the last on to leave…no one appreciates it. It is unimportant whether people appreciate or acknowledge my long hours. I choose to do this, and I am proud of the example I am setting.
Think of positive self-talk as brainwashing you for greatness. It’s a ritual. Just like brushing your teeth
You have to practice positive thinking…train your brain. Getting it right upstairs…is one of the most important assets you can possess. It is seeing all the negative but not becoming negative.
The last thing I recommend doing to change the way you take on stress is meditation or quiet time. 10 minutes…moving or sitting. Shift to the present. Focus on your breath, your walking,
or your thoughts and feelings as they come and go. The goal is to bring yourself back to present. To a calm brain a quiet brain. Then tell yourself this “I will handle todays challenges using my deepest values and beliefs.
Stress is the stimulus to growth. Protection from stress will not make you stronger, smarter, healthier, happier, or better at life. Has anyone ever broken a bone? What happens when you get the cast off after not using it for 6 weeks? It’s the same for our brain. No stress no growth.
To maximize health, happiness and productivity…we must seek stress. Use it or lose it. As important… is stress recovery. Disconnect, Refuel and refresh.
What comes to your mind…when I say the word recovery? Stress recovery…is literally “relief from stress”.
Here’s an example…if I asked you to walk for a long time…eventually it will become very painful. The energy you are expending is stress while the pain becomes distress. When you sit down you get relief. The pain of walking dissolves quickly. That’s recovery. Your heart rate drops, breathing slows…restoration begins. It’s the same with your brain.
Actually…all action begins with rest. But…know that time off does not equal time out. I want you to think of A time out is a recovery/relaxation break of up to 15 minutes as a mental/emotional reset. (Walking, gardening, massage, meditation, jogging, reading, movies, coffee with a friend, music) You know what you need, so adjust accordingly and work it into your life.
To wrap this up, I want to quote, James Loehr uses the metaphor of Coming home to summarize the most important understandings of successfully managing stress.
• It is putting discipline over excuses and making a commitment to change. Taking responsibility for who and what you are right now and facing the truth. Accepting the reality that every day is a battle for control, not of the world around you, but your response to it.
• It is increasing your capacity to respond to the forces of life in the most adaptive, emotionally intelligent way possible.
• It is connecting what you do every day to your deepest values and strengths.
• It is getting comfortable with change.
• It is acknowledging that all things are interconnected. What you eat, how you sleep, your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, habits. Your mind and body are inseparably linked.
• All time is sacred time. Life is a gift of time. So, take the time. Make the time.
• It is acknowledging that emotions run the show. When you feel right, you perform right.
• Learning to love the battle- all of it.
• Understanding that it is a journey. You must keep moving forward with the commitment to change and personal growth. Knowing that some days you are going to get it wrong. And that’s ok. Get up, dust yourself off and started moving again.
Success! And how stress will make you more successful! It’s a mindset that will make life more balanced.